How to Lose A Guy – Lessons from a Christian Ex-girlfriend

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A relationship can reveal parts of your character you otherwise would not have seen. When your heart is in such close proximity to another sinful human being it cannot hide. It is in this proximity where it gets hurt, bruised and even broken. It is in these moments your true self is exposed. Who you are in Christ, and how much you truly rely on him is tested and revealed.

Although my top 10 lessons learned from my relationship are below, God only has one lesson when it comes to our hearts:

Dt 6:5 (NCV) “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength.”

When I place myself or my partner above God, it will not bear the fruit of God’s Spirit. I had heard this warning before but I didn’t really know what it meant to place someone above God in the little things, or for that matter how to really tell when I was doing so.

Joh15:4b (NCV)”…In the same way, you cannot produce fruit alone but must remain in me.” 

When I did not put God first in my relationship, no matter how much I desired to support my partner I ended up tearing him down instead. Putting God first requires humility that whispers, “I might not be right” when every ounce of me wants to scream, “I told you so!” I’ve learned that it’s not about what I say or biting my tongue. It’s about the condition of my heart in relationship to God first and my partner second.

Lk 6:45b (NIV) “For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.”

Ps19:14 (HCSB) “May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable to You, Lord, my rock and my Redeemer.”

We mess up with the ones we love the most, the ones we feel most connected to and most responsible for. We sin. We hurt them. We are then called to reconcile and move forward, really move forward.

When I allow doubt, fear, anxiety, pride or self-righteousness into my heart I am not able to communicate the respect and love I so desperately want to because it is not there. On some hard days I looked for comfort from my partner instead of truly casting my cares onto God first. Consequently, I’d find myself disappointed if my expectations of a conversation or time together didn’t make me feel better. Even if I had read my bible and spoke to my friends, a part of my heart was waiting for him to make it all better and when the interaction wouldn’t meet my expectations my heart was exposed – I had trusted him to bring comfort over God.

Ps 16:5,7 (NCV) “ No, the Lord is all I need. He takes care of me…I praise the Lord because he advises me. Even at night, I feel his leading. I keep the Lord before me always. Because he is close by my side I will not be hurt.” 

Trust can only come from God’s love. I cannot lay down my life for Christ, and surrender, unless I know God well enough to trust Him. I must continually pursue to know and understand His nature and character. This is what produces greater trust in me. This is what changes the condition of my heart so that He is first.

Dt 6:5 (NCV) “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength.”

There are many romantic comedies that follow a certain theme, which ends with the hero or heroine owning his/her mistake and declaring their love through a mass publication, pleading for a second chance. Before you get your hopes up, this is not how this blog ends. I do want to share what I learned not to do and what I hope to do differently but the rest of this story I leave entirely in God’s hands. When I seek God first I allow him to work in my heart and character.

Ruth 3:18a (ESV)”Wait, my daughter, until you learn how the matter turns out…”

I may be absolutely certain of what I want. I may even have an idea of how things should go – times, places, words exchanged. It plays in my head but that’s the only place it plays. When I desire God’s will over my own I place those thoughts and hopes before God and say, “I refuse to move before you do. Your will, not mine. In your time not mine.”

Ps 27:14 (NLT) “Wait patiently for the LORD. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the LORD.”

Waiting does not mean sit home alone and muster up strength to accept your aloneness. In exact contrast, it’s living your best life for God right now, to its absolute fullness, while trusting that God has the eternal aspect of what I go through in His sights. The closer I draw to Him and allow Him to define my self worth the more content I will become no matter what my marital status. When God is all I want, I won’t long for things he does not give me. I will appreciate the things he does give me in His time. It frees me to enjoy each season instead of longing for the next.

If you are grappling with things in your individual walk with God they will only be amplified in a relationship. Ultimately, the condition of our heart before God will determine the choices we make, who we allow to draw out our heart and the motives for wanting to be in a relationship. The condition of our heart will also determine how we give in the relationships we are in.

I reached a point in my walk with God where I wanted to be in a relationship to learn what I could not learn as a single woman. I knew it was a higher calling in many ways and would challenge much of my pride, independence and controlling nature. I prayed, if it was God’s will, to bring someone into my life that would help me see Him in ways I could not on my own. God answered this prayer. I learned a great deal about God and myself. It changed me and I am grateful for it. Even though it is now over, God used it to His glory and for my ultimate good. I am better for it.

Ultimately, I want God’s will not my own. I still hope to get married someday, to a man who will fear God, place Him above me in our relationship and call me on my obstinate ways. If God’s will for me is to be single, so be it. If that is what gets me to heaven, skidding in on my knees at 60mph with a large iced mocha in one hand and a string of people behind me who He has used me to know Him better, it will all be worth it. Whether single or married, being certain of the will of God is what will help me fight when hard times come in all my relationships. It will give me the strength to stay and fight for what I know God ordained, to continue to give my heart and be vulnerable, to give my heart again and again and not let my love grow cold. It is less difficult to obey when I know the character and love of the one who I am submitting to – God.

So here are my top 10 lessons learned from my relationship:

  1. Pray for God to continually show you the condition of your heart. Heart change will overflow into speech and actions.
  2. Pray for God’s Will over your own, daily. To hold the relationship loosely and cherish each moment God gives. Leave tomorrow in God’s hands.
  3. Guard your purity, its better to be legalistic and over the top than to have regrets later, you can’t go back.
  4. Practice in small situations to find progress, be patient with yourself. You will fail and so will your partner, show Him mercy.
  5. Focus on God over the man or circumstances. In the little things, in the arguments, in the moments where you don’t understand or think your way is better, when you want to protect him or yourself- Entrust the situation and yourself back to God in prayer before reacting.
  6. Don’t sweat the small stuff. You won’t remember what the fight was about but sometimes the pain will linger and can overshadow the times of laughter for a long time to come. It’s not worth it. Be more measured in your response.
  7. Be magnanimous, generous in forgiving yourself and your partner. Practice this in all your relationships, with roommates, at work, with close friends and strangers.
  8. Pray for him/her, daily. It’s not the power of our prayers but the power of our God.
  9. Don’t rush anything. If you let God lead, you won’t be disappointed. If you try and get ahead of him you will put unnecessary pressure on the relationship, and you and your partner won’t be able to see God’s will clearly. It will cause you to cast doubt on the relationship and rely on self over God.
  10. Make more time to fight for your personal walk with God than you ever have before. He is the only one who can bring glory out of it.

Ultimately, every relationship is different. You will have different needs, experiences, and points of contention. In the end the ultimate question is, does the relationship bring glory to God and bear the fruit of the Spirit? Love will cover over a multitude of sin and shortcomings when you are both working 120% to change the things you must to be your best for Him. God will do the rest.

1Chron 16:11 (NCV) “Depend on the Lord and his strength; always go to him for help. Remember the miracles he has done, his wonders, and his decisions.”

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2 thoughts on “How to Lose A Guy – Lessons from a Christian Ex-girlfriend

    • Thanks Lexie. It has been a long and bitter sweet journey to get to this level of vulnerability. Losing a great love int he process has been hard but the lessons are life long. I pray that others can learn from them and God can use it for His ultimate glory. Thank you for your encouragement.

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